How to Drink and Drive...

...and Other Stuff to Mess with Your Head

Novel ideas to solve South Africa's road carnage



Asked a girl what she wanted to be | She said baby, can't you see | I wanna be famous, a star on the screen | But you can do something in between | Baby you can drive my car | Yes I'm gonna be a star | Baby you can drive my car | And baby I love you.

The Beatles | Drive My Car

Of 280 million Americans, more than 40,000 die each year in motor vehicle accidents. It's an horrific figure. It represents 14.8 fatalities per 100,000 people. Were 60 million Britons to drive like you people, 17,000 would bleed to death in, on, or around the mangled wrecks of their automobiles. Fortunately, the British are a sensible bunch and only 3,500 do so (6.1 deaths per 100,000 people).

What is it with you Yanks? Why, in a First World country boasting new vehicles fitted with the most up-to-date safety features, do so many people die on the road? I'll tell you why. I'm something of an expert in these things. It's George W. Bush's fault. He's the problem. Get rid of him and you'll wipe the smirk off every British car-wreck survivor's face. You'll all be able to drive wherever you want to go, whenever you wish to and at whatever speed you choose.

Hmm... were it that simple.

The above aside, I do remain something of an expert on matters relating to carnage, mayhem and bloodletting. Well, it fascinates me. There are several reasons for this, the main one being that I stand a bloody good chance of becoming road kill or mortuary meat. You see, although only 10,000 people die on South Africa's roads each year (almost three times as many as in Britain), we have 40 percent fewer people than the United Kingdom.

Despite there being plenty of space for us to avoid each other, a staggering 26 out of every 100,000 South Africans will die in motor vehicle accidents this coming year. Yes... 200,000 will die of AIDS. That we know. Unlike AIDS, though, road deaths are avoidable. Look at Britain. Just as there are reasons the British are so cautious - they live in a small, pokey place full of twisting lanes and Masonic traffic cops, are slowed by big red buses and never have far to go, there are several good reasons so many South Africans end up dying at their steering wheels.

Like those peopling the United States, we South Africans live in a big country. For our population, we have roughly the same amount of land per head as Americans and we travel similar distances. Yet, statistically, an American visitor to South Africa is more than twice as likely to die here as at home. Once over here, things get worse. Factors come into play that raise the chances of our visitor dying a brutal death.

South Africans do not, as I've pointed out elsewhere, have all that much money. In fact, the average person is unlikely to own a car. The average car owner is unlikely to ever own a new car, and the second-hand car he or she drives is, on average, thirteen years old. That's part of our bad-driving problem, but it doesn't begin to give us the whole picture.

In 1996, there were 765 cars for every 1,000 Americans. That's a fair whack of motor vehicles. In fact, it's a disgusting number. There are more cars per person in the United States than anywhere else on the planet. Down here at the Southern Tip, we are not blessed with an abundance of gas guzzlers. In fact, Uruguayans, Macedonians, Libyans and Latvians (as well as the citizens of 49 other countries) own more cars per 1,000 people than we do. We come in at 146 vehicles per 1,000 citizens.

That's six million motor vehicles or five times fewer cars per person in a country with a population an eighth that of the United States. Which has... Good grief, this can't be right... 214.2 million cars? Nah... it is correct. Jesus, you have 35 times more cars on your roads than we have here. Is that right? I don't believe it. It would bring your safety record (40,000 deaths per annum) right in line with the British. In fact, you have no problem.

214.2 million cars in one country. I've never considered such a thing... no wonder the environment's stuffed. Okay, let's just go with an arbitrary figure here. The average American is about ten times more likely to die on a South African road than on a North American black top. Tenfold approximations, when related to manmade disasters and other social ills crop up quite frequently in South Africa. It's a good indicator of death by unnatural causes.

Unless, of course, you're speaking of death by shooting (the U.S. lies a distant fourth) or rape (an emasculated U.S. limps home in ninth position here). In these savage arts, we have no peer. I have my doubts about the scoring for murder. How the hell do the Columbians do it? We shoot people. What do they do? The States does not feature, trailing a distant 23rd.



I told a girl that my prospects were good | And she said baby, it's understood | Working for peanuts is all very fine | But I can show you a better time | Baby you can drive my car | Yes I'm gonna be a star | Baby you can drive my car | And baby I love you.

The Beatles | Drive My Car

Okay, back to the roads. So we have all these old cars. But so do the Cubans, and they don't use their vehicles as cast-iron suicide vests. South Africans kill each other with cars because when their ammunition runs out (35,000 people are shot dead each year - again ten times as many per capita as in the U.S.), they get drunk. In fact, we get ten times as soused as anybody else. P.J. O'Rourke once wrote about it. He failed to mention that, once legless, we hit the roads.

Were such a situation to prevail in most countries, citizens would start muttering about 'law and order', 'effective policing' and the like. And that's where the motivation for this little reflection comes in. South Africa's largest mass-circulation newspaper, The Sunday Times, delivers some startling facts (via allAfrica.com). Well, they should be startling, but I've had my suspicions a long time and they don't shock me. How's this for a statistic?

South Africans have one traffic officer for every 10,804 citizens. In Europe, one traffic officer serves 800 citizens.

Heh... I knew the buggers had disappeared. Countrywide, we have only 4,181 traffic officers. That's the equivalent of 26,000 traffic officers in the United States or 5,500 cops to cover the UK. Says the Times:

Figures provided by the Transport Department this week revealed that: South Africa had up to 10 times fewer traffic police than considered desirable; and that ... There are only 1.32 traffic officers per 100km of provincial road. ... Wendy Watson, general manager for the Transport Department of Transport's Land Transport Regulation, confirmed this week that the number of traffic cops was 'very far below international standards'.

Duh! Wendy Watson might state the obvious, but she's not as dumb as she makes out. Apparently:

"...the situation [is] not as bleak... it seemed there were 3 826 Metro police operating in Gauteng, Durban and Cape Town whose job it was to help police motorists."

I don't like the sound of that. "...it seemed there were 3 826 Metro police ... whose job it was to help police motorists." You're telling me. Starting work at 07:00, I come home at 16:00. Each day, I see Metro police driving through the chaos. Quite what hours they keep is beyond me, but I certainly don't see them in the morning. Either way, they look tired; the driver is usually asleep at the wheel and his buddies are comatose beside and behind him. The Metro police...

Ah, forget about it. If you're keen, you can read of the Tshwane (Pretoria) Metro Police here. There is nothing anyone can teach these guys about corruption, state-sponsored crime or out-and-out thuggery.



I told a girl I can start right away | And she said listen babe I got something to say | I got no car and it's breaking my heart | But I've found a driver and that's a start | Baby you can drive my car | Yes I'm gonna be a star | Baby you can drive my car | And baby I love you.

The Beatles | Drive My Car

Anyway, the country's non-existent Metro police are included in the figure giving us "...10 times fewer traffic police than considered desirable". That they're not traffic police in the first place doesn't seem to worry the bureaucrats. Frankly, I'd rather have the army policing the roads. I've wanted to shoot quite a few drivers... Mind you, this is happening quite frequently. Last week, a guy was shot for jumping a red light. Ms. Watson goes on to state:

"In Western Europe and Australia, they have one traffic officer for about every 800 people, but they don't have people like the South African Police Service (SAPS) and Metro police who also do traffic law enforcement."

They're bloody lucky. In twenty-five years of driving, I have not seen a police officer (SAPS) pull a driver off the road for a traffic offence. Not once. Nor have I heard of it being done. I am willing to bet my last pocketful of small change it does not happen. This next statement I can believe. Apparently half the R32-million budget allocated to the annual holiday road-safety campaign Arrive Alive will be spent on marketing. That's about par for the course. I can go with that one. I wonder who's doing the marketing?

The Sunday Times goes on to quote Gerrie Botha, manager of National Standards and Guidelines in the national Transport Department. Gerrie, no doubt an expert on law enforcement who resents being tied to a desk, "...conceded it was 'possible that we have too few people'."

I kid you not.

"Our traffic officers are not working efficiently because they have a variety of tasks that they should not be doing," said Botha. "They spend 50 percent of their time in court either preparing for, or waiting for, cases to come up and capturing contravention information. I don't think that one should use trained traffic officers to sit in an office to capture data."

You don't, huh? Well, Bubba, you're in charge of national standards and guidelines in the national transport department. Do something about it. Is it any wonder we South Africans have a drinking problem? Or are prone to fits of anger? And just when we're fit to drink ourselves to a crazed rage, someone steps in to make us thoroughly depressed. (I've edited the following for clarity. The article is so full of typos it's just about meaningless in places.)

Raymond Holland-Chapman, labour relations officer spokesman for the Independent Municipal Allied Workers' Union, said traffic officers are 'overworked', 'underpaid' and 'highly stressed'.

"Metro police officers in Johannesburg for example don't only deal with traffic control but they have to do the same type of work the SAPS is doing on top of that," he said. Holland-Chapman said traffic cops earned between R5 500 and R6 000 a month and therefore resort to working overtime "...because they have to make a living". They are under so much pressure "the level of post-traumatic stress is at its highest level ever".

Silas Letsimo, Gauteng provincial Secretary for the South African Municipal Workers' Union, said that for a mere R3 600 to R5 000 one cannot expect traffic officials to put their lives in danger for their jobs. Letsimo said officers work more than the expected 40 hour week and are not even compensated for putting in overtime.

"This festive season they are expected to work much more than 40 hours. A road block for example may start at six in the evening and end the next morning, but the officers will not be compensated. The relevant departments are therefore not abiding by national labour laws," he said.

The danger, Lesimo said, is that officers are unhappy with their working conditions and this will affect their productivity. Morale was low among traffic officers and this was affecting their productivity.

My God. I sometimes do understand the frustrations of the gougers raping the South African economy. I really do. At R5,500 to R6,000 a month and working a forty-hour week, these bastards in blue are paid more money than most. They're either a bunch of shiftless, skinniving lead swingers or their union guy is a wanker. There is a distinct possibility both might hold water. The underlying truth, though, is that most don't do their jobs.

Anticipating carnage, we're now drinking ourselves stupid. The liquor industry has stepped in to help us return to our senses. They're putting warning labels on wine bottles "...to help reduce South Africa’s high rate of alcohol abuse". Just when you thought... yes, well.

"Hi, my name is Mike and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Mike."

"I'm here by the Grace of God, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the guy who put warning labels on wine bottles."

"Great stuff, Mike."

Yeah, but this guy really deserves a medal:

Winemaker Pierre-Jeanne Gerber, who has been working with the Western Cape province’s health ministry to create legislation governing the production of the labels, said he embarked on the project to highlight the dangers of alcohol abuse and foetal alcohol syndrome. “On these labels I state quite clearly alcohol abuse can destroy lives and should be used responsibly,” he said. A report released recently by South Africa’s Medical Research Council (MRC) said that half of all murders and road accidents and more than 60 percent of hospital trauma cases were the result of drunkenness. “I simply see myself as a frontrunner on something that will ultimately be done by all wine producers,” Gerber said in comments quoted in the Cape Town based Saturday Argus newspaper. According to the MRC, alcohol abuse costs South Africa at least nine billion rand (1.3 billion dollars / 1.1 billion euros) a year, with about 5.9 million men and 1.63 million women engaging in risky drinking - drinking five or more beers or glasses of wine at one sitting for men and more than three drinks for women. “The idea of alcohol warning labels and its effects is not new,” Gerber said.

I bet it's not new. Others with the same idea were probably laughed out of the room. It makes as much sense as my pack of cigarettes asking me if I'm pregnant or Los Angeles county officials telling computer vendors and distributors to lose master and slave as adjectives for primary and secondary disks. Mr. Gerber's wine labels will do as much for substance abuse as the Metro Police will do to curtail dangerous driving.

Note You do have two hundred million vehicles in the States. The British, who have 426 vehicles per 1,000 citizens, have 25.5 million motor vehicles cluttering their little rock in the middle of the North Sea. That's disgusting too. No wonder nobody gets killed. How can one move 25.5 million cars in such a small space? Why don't their cars fall of the edge?

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah | Beep beep'm beep beep yeah | Beep beep'm beep beep yeah | Beep beep'm beep beep yeah...

The Beatles | Drive My Car